Brotherhood-Chapter 11

Brotherhood


Chapter 11-(Ir)Responsibility


I listen. That's all I can do right now. I just lay in the bed that I haven't had in weeks. I'm not asleep, but I'm not awake either. I'm somewhere in between. Just listening, waiting.
"Donnie, please, just go to bed. Check on him tomorrow. It's almost dawn, and none of you have slept. Let me or Casey stay up-"
"I can't just let him be alone in there, April. I'm fine, really. I just want to make sure I got his weapons somewhere safe."
"Don, you've checked four times since you took him up to his room."
"...What?"
"Go to bed, Donnie."
He gives in, finally. She rests her head against the wall, fading in and out. I hear the sound of footsteps entering the lair. I recognize the emotion that emanates from every movement he makes.
"'Ey April. G'wan and get some rest. I can stay up."
The familiarity of everything surrounding me makes me feel the slightest bit more at ease. I lose a battle over a restless wave of something that feels like sleep.
I'm lost again, trapped inside a mass of nothing, gripped by the unmistakable feeling that something is about to strike. I pull out my katana, assume a defensive stance, and wait. I try to pinpoint where the malice is emanating from, but I can't sense anything. I feel a pain begin to take hold of my hands and arms, my eyes begin to blur from straining to find the enemy. Something warm and fluid falls from my hands, I suddenly become aware of the growing weight of my katana. I look down, and shock sets in, seeing blood dripping from cuts in my hands, as if my weapons are against me. I have to make an effort to keep my blades from falling out of my grip now, the sense of danger rising as they grow heavier, the cuts getting deeper, moving slowly up my arms, the blood dripping freely from my veins. I try to focus on my katana, to ignore the blood and keep my concentration, but the strain from staring too intensely has gotten worse. I try to breathe, to calm myself somehow, but the air won't come easily like it should. I realize it then-my eyes aren't fatigued, I'm being suffocated. I can't see because I'm losing consciousness. My mask, it's getting tighter around my head, covering my whole face, choking me. The edge of my blades are hovering just above the ground, the wounds in my arms are almost up to my elbows, the pool of blood expanding, covering the soles of my feet. I can barely make out something in the far distance, my feet threatening to slide out from under me. My brothers... I can see them, far away, but they're there! I feel a surge of desire, of yearning, to go to them, to let myself welcome the small comfort of familiarity that home and family gives. But I resist it, even as the blood rises slowly higher around my feet, I turn and move the other way. I'm the older brother, I can't burden them. After all that's happened, the things I have done, it'd be too selfish to go to them for help. I refuse to let my katana fall from my grasp, even as suffocation begins to force me to the ground, the surface in front of me opening into an engulfing hole.
I suddenly rise up from my familiar bed, listening for a moment before I move silently towards the exit of the lair. I stop inches before the exit, hearing footsteps, and leap back into the shadows. My other human sibling walks in, bruised and cut, tossing a bloodied bat to the floor. The sound echoes throughout the lair, it wakes up my sister. She walks over to him, she's upset, but she keeps her voice to a whisper.
"Where have you been? What happened to your face? Raph came back alone and I-"
"I wasn't far away. Nothin' happened, really. I followed him back, I jus'... had to take a lil detour."
She helps him into another room, where we keep the medical supplies. I drop down from my perch, moving out through the exit. I drop down into the main sewage tunnel that will let me return to the surface quietly, and come face to face with my angriest younger brother.
"You must REALLY be dead in the head to think that I'm gonna let ya just walk outta here again, especially after that stupid stunt ya pulled."
Raphael walks into the dim light, his figure exhausted, yet resolute. I can't let myself speak. If I say anything, the temptation to stay behind could overwhelm me. He keeps pushing, keeps provoking any kind of response out of me.
"Are you awake yet, Leo? Am I talkin' to my real big brother? Or are you that fake who tried to off himself by taking a damn jump offa Lady Liberty?"
Fake? No, I tried to make myself believe that. But that's just another way of being a coward. Trying to do that was just another mistake that only added to the burden that will eventually crush me. I can't let them try to help, or it will crush all of us. I move to rush past him, but he's expecting it, he's had too much time to prepare with a level head. He knocks me back, drawing out on of his sais, his voice rising.
"Where're yer wise words, yer advice ta guide your brothers? WHERE'S MY BIG BROTHER, LEO? HUH?!"
He's letting his impulsive instincts cloud his thinking, he rushes me with his weapon pointed towards me, he's leaving himself open to be passed by. I start to make my move, but something stops me, and I feel a sting in my arm from a needle being stabbed into my vein. Raphael halts in his advance, his exhaustion too great for his anger to sustain itself for very long. I'm feeling drowsy, unnaturally tired, falling back into the arms of Donatello before I enter the paralyzing captivity of dreamless unconsciousness.